Thursday, March 14, 2013

Searching for Balance

Every night I thank God. I thank Him for my healthy baby girl, my loving husband, my adorable puggle. I thank Him for my 4 incredible parents, my wonderful in-laws and my siblings who I love more than they know. I thank Him for the incredible blessings in my life. But, lately, I find myself praying for guidance. Not because I'm lost, but because I'm transitioning and I'm struggling with it. 

It's been four months since Kenley was born and I'm still searching for my "momjo" (thank you Giuliana Rancic for that one). I love being a mom. I love it more than I ever imagined I would. It makes me so happy and I think, so far, I'm doing a pretty good job. Where I'm struggling is with every thing else. How to be a good mom and a good wife and a good friend and a good daughter and a good employee. Not to mention, how to be good to myself. I'm assuming I'm not alone when I say that after becoming a mom, you put yourself last. I spend all my energy on taking care of my baby, everything I have left is spent trying to keep the house clean, trying to make my husband happy, spending time with family & friends. After that - I'm spent. I haven't yet figured out how to make time to go to the gym. Or sit by myself and read a book. Heck, I can't even make time to go tanning (my favorite thing ever). I know I could get up earlier. I could also stay up later. But let's be honest, sleep is precious. 

I find myself getting resentful and jealous of Jason. He gets to come home from work and unwind. He gets to leave the house and play basketball twice a week. He gets time to himself. I come home from work and instantly feed Kenley, get everything ready for the following day, and then get Kenley ready for bed. By the time everything is done all I want is to go to sleep. And I know what you're all going to say..."well can't Jason help with that?" Yes. He can. And he does. He's amazing with Kenley and he's very helpful...so this has nothing to do with him but more to do with me. For one, Jason doesn't have the boobs. And for another, giving Kenley a bath and snuggling with her before bed while I smell her clean little head is absolutely my favorite thing in life. No amount of "me time" is worth trading those precious moments that go by so quick. 

It's still so surreal to me that I am at this place. I am 28 years in to my life. I am married. I am a mom. This next phase is all I dreamed of when I was younger and all I ever wanted. Now it's here and I don't know where all those years went. I don't mean this to sound sad. It's actually quite the opposite, I am overcome with emotion (happy emotion) when I think of what I have. But it's hard not to miss the days where my biggest stress was what I was going to wear to Delta Chi's Date Party. 

I don't really know where I'm going with all of this. Except to get this off my chest and hopefully hear that I'm not alone in feeling like this. I'm at this crossroads where I KNOW I need to start making time for myself. I'm the only one who can make it happen. And yet, when I'm at work all day all I think about is getting home and spending time with my family. So I find it hard to leave and do something else. Something for myself. 

I know that being a better version of myself will make me a better mom and a better wife. I know it's crucial for my mental health. For my mood. But it seems there's just not enough hours in a day.

Putting honest posts like this out there is intimidating and I feel the need to reiterate that I'm not complaining. I'm not sad. I'm simply expressing that this is a transitional point in my life. I've never been good with change but this is the best possible change. I love my life, I really couldn't be more grateful for my many blessings. I just need to find a way to juggle all those blessings. 

If I could just be a stay-at-home mom with a maid and a chef and a personal trainer, we'd be all set. 


15 comments:

Jess Beer said...

With the exception that I'm not back at work yet...I could have written this post. I know EXACTLY what you mean. Chris comes home from work at about 6, and immediately gets on his computer to decompress. It makes me crazy. I know he's entitled to his time to unwind, but when do I get that? Then I feel bad because he's been at work all day and I've been home with Abbie. Then I want a break....it's a vicious cycle. It's so hard to carve out time for yourself - I have yet to "work out" in the traditional sense since Abbie was born. Thank goodness for family walks! I wish I had the answers on balancing it all...when you find them, let me know!

Bridget said...

I'm not @ the mom thing yet...but from what I hear from my friends, you are not alone. I hope to find this balance when my lil' one arrives! I pray that you find your balance of all these amazing blessings and that you share it when you do :)

Ruthie Hart said...

Don't ever feel like you are struggling when you ask for guidance... my DAILY (if not more) prayer is for guidance in every aspect of life... work, marriage, future mommy hood... without the Lord's plans and trust, we are so lost. He wants you to come to Him, surrender YOUR plans and your worries and your mind...to find rest in him. I love reading honest posts about mommies because as much as I think I can prepare for it, I know I really have no idea

~Dawn~ said...

This is such a well written honest post. And though I have no true advice for you - I can say that you are 100% not alone. I have been a Mom for over 8 years and STILL have these feelings. There are days/weeks where I feel like...Yes..I got this, I got my shit together - things are smooth sailing. And then the very next day I can feel like I've lost complete control and my balance is totally off again. It's an ongoing cycle. You just have to learn to cope with it the best you can...and know there will be good days and bad days. Such is life, I guess. Good luck to you, Mama.

Carolyn said...

I'm already worried about this and my baby isn't even here yet! You should know that I think you're an amazing mommy and that you're doing a great job! That being said, I think you should work on finding time for yourself. Just don't ask me where you should find it! HAHAHAHA :)

Anonymous said...

You are on the right track by asking for guidance. My daily mom prayer always asked for strength as well! What you are feeling is so completely normal and will get easier...I promise. When I get home it would be my pleaseure to help with Kens so you may find your mojo. :0) xo m

Lins @ Country Roots City Living said...

Girl you are far from being alone in this department! You should not apologize for asking for guidedance and putting it out there. This just shows YOU are a FANTASTIC mom! It is very hard to get the "me" time. As the baby gets older obviously it will be easier to get the "me" time. If it is tough to get out during the week then I suggest maybe set aside a weekend day to get pampered..maybe during nap time that way you are not missing time with her. IDK what you have to get ready for the next day but if it is something that hubs can do maybe pass that along to him and you can have the extra few minutes to yourself to breathe. :) It is a very tough job being a mom but I agree it is nothing in the world I would change. I had always dreamed of being a mom and now I've got two precious boys! Keep your head up you are doing a great job! :)

Ashley said...

Being a Mom is HARD. It's truly the hardest job us women take on in our lives - I have no doubt about that. It's the scariest learning experience - being responsible for a little ones life, well being, learning, health, everything. It's also a learning experience about yourself - and from the sounds of it you are on the right track in asking for guidance and trusting Him.
I feel like this is the part of motherhood people do not tell new moms about, in fear of scaring them...when in reality it NEEDS to be talked about more.
Eventually things will settle in and life will fall into a groove that works for all three of you. Our little babies are babies for such a short time - it's hard to want to give up any second we have with them. Soon enough, you will start taking more time for yourself here and there...it gets easier :)
Just know you aren't alone in these thoughts - it's hard for me not to miss the days of car racing and hanging out with everyone at the track until the wee hours of the morning - we're only human afterall :)

ajs {of MN} said...

there is SO much that i would love to reply back to this but i will just say this...

being aware of this is wonderfully, putting it out there- getting it off your chest is even better!

me being a mom to avrie at a little over a year and a half feel like this a lot too! you hit the nail on the head with "not being good with change." i am SO bad with change... but wow kids change everything, for the GOOD so good it's a GREAT enough change to really rock your world, and to a different beat every single day.

there are days that i think we have it figured out and then the very next day, baby girl CHANGES things up!

just remember this. you are still getting to know one another. she is learning a BILLION new things a day and at the same time teaching you a BAJILLION things!

parenthood is amazing and i have a feeling that you are doing a GREAT job! keep it up and yes those boys... they have SO MUCH more freedom being daddy but daddy is the family rock- he needs his time to maintain sanity ;)

(such a long comment but i loved this post!)

Nikki said...

I have a 5 week old and a 6 year old. I don't go back to work for another 2 weeks, but I already feel as if I could have written this post.

Schnelle said...

I know exactly how you feel. Honestly, the further I read into your post the more I kept saying to myself "yes, I know! Me too!" This was my first week back to work and I'm wondering how I'm ever going to juggle everything and make it all work. Mike helps out a ton with Aubrey too but it's still hard because like you said a lot of it still falls on you as a mother. Breastfeeding is demanding and its not easy but I know it's well worth it. I wish I could say that I have the answer but I think we're just going to have to figure out this dance as we go. Thanks for sharing this. I totally relate and it's nice to know that I'm not alone.

Stephanie Ann said...

I am a month in to mommy and I find it a personal victory to shower let alone leave the house. I can't wait for my hubby's days off so he can help and then I feel guilty because he never gets a true day off either. I keep telling myself one day it will get better but who knows when that will be. I don't think any mom out there would ever think you were complaining. Day one (maybe minute two of being a mom) you know how hard the job really is. I keep telling everyone how it's so much harder than I ever anticipated it would be. Any when you're breastfeeding it is that much harder because you're literally attached to you little babe. If you find the answers make sure to share them with us. Until then just know we're all in the same boat!

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