Thursday, March 6, 2014

{Guest Mama}: Baby Two (Raw and Honest)

When Mateya sent me this post I knew in a second I had to share it. This is an extremely honest post about having a second baby, an unplanned second baby at that. I admire how real Mateya is and I also can totally relate. No, I'm not preggo with #2 but I already have these same fears and we haven't even started to think about a second child yet. I'm sure some of you mamas can also relate, so check it out.


Hi there! My name is Mateya and you can find me at The Best is Yet to Come. I'm a military(ish) wife to Robbie and mom to our busy little boy, Hayden and Baby #2 who will be joining our family in early July! In my spare time (what's that?!) I enjoy running and circuit training, shopping, spending time with my girlfriends, and enjoying life as a family of three (soon to be four)! 
{Post written 11/12/13)
ETA: I wrote this post a week after I found out I was pregnant again and it is a very honest post, written from my heart.  As time has gone on, the Lord really has worked on my heart and I am so excited to be welcoming a new miracle into our family.

It has taken me exactly one week from the moment I found out about baby number two to write this post. 
Reality still has not set it. I have many moments I forget that it’s really true.
When I went in to check the results of the test, deep down inside, I already knew the answer, but when I saw the two pink lines I still couldn’t believe it.  There was no way. How could this be? (ok I know how this could be, but still). I JUST had a baby! Hayden. What about Hayden?

As I turned around to leave the bathroom, there he was with the biggest smile on his face, my sweet boy. I picked him up and squeezed him so hard and tears fell from my eyes.  My baby isn’t going to be my baby anymore.  This is why I wasn’t ready.
Over the last week I have had moments where I get so mad at myself because I know how incredibly lucky and blessed we are to be having another baby and I am ashamed that I haven’t been anything but overjoyed. But this is the truth. I am terrified. Hayden is my world and I am just having the hardest time imagining anyone else in that world right now. I don’t want him to fall to the back burner and I don’t want to miss out on anything with him because I’ll be taking care of a newborn. 

Yesterday I watched our friends baby and Hayden did not like it at all.  He cried every time the baby cried and I had to hold the baby.  He did not share well at all and he just struggled with me giving attention to the baby. I know this is normal, but it was just like a huge reality check because this is what it will be like in 9 months and it won’t be for just one day. It’ll be the new normal.

I know Hayden will be older and we will all have had time to prepare ourselves, but right now I’m just struggling between being absolutely terrified and being excited. I’ll have one moment where I think about Hayden being a big brother to either a little brother or sister and I just smile or how exciting it’ll be to meet a new person that Robbie and I created, but then I’ll have a moment where I get so sad thinking about my days of just Hayden coming to an end.

I don’t know why it’s been so hard on me.  People have more than one child all the time. And I KNOW everyone says that you don’t understand how you can love another child like your first, but somehow you just DO.

We knew that we wanted to have another baby someday, but our hearts or maybe our minds just weren’t ready.  Maybe this is God’s way of reminding us that He is in control.
I do believe that God’s timing is perfect and as hard as it is for me to see right now, I know that this baby was created for a reason and I trust that the Lord has already begun preparing our hearts for this new miracle.

"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them."
Psalm 139:13-16

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Becky Borgman said...

I cannot tell you how good this was to read. My husband and I struggled to have our baby and needed fertility treatments. I pray all time we are able to have more children and I actually had a very early miscarriage a couple months ago. Although I was so excited when I saw that positive and was heartbroken when we found out the pregnancy wasn't viable, I also felt badly for my daughter feeling as though we were going to be taking something away from her. I thought "how in the world can I love another baby as much" and the thought of taking attention away from Lydia hurt my heart. But, as you said, God is so good and he knows what he is doing when makes each and every life. I would give anything to have that baby we lost back and growing strong and continue to pray that will still happen someday and then when it does, I am able to continue to give myself, selflessly to each of my children. Thanks so much for sharing what I think many mothers fear about a second child.

hello erin said...

i love this. it basically sums up my fears about babe number 2!! and i know everyone says it works and is perfect and you love them just as much- and its a good family change. but its hard to see!!

Ashley @ Words About Waverly said...

love this post. so real & honest!!! these are exactly the feeling we have when we think about babe #2!

Nat said...

Love this post! I agree with so many of her feelings.

Mateya said...

Thank you all for making me feel "normal" :)

Sarah said...

As much as I am dying to have #2, so many of these things she has said ring true to me too! Great post!

the girl in the red shoes said...

Thank you for your honesty! This sums up my feelings about having a second baby too....I'm excited to think about it, but sad, all at the same time.

Candace said...

I'm currently 24 weeks pregnant with my second and I have experienced all the same emotions!! It has been quite the roller coaster. Beautiful post.

Katie @ said...

This is a great's how most mamas think...well, at least I do. I'm not sure when the right time will be to have another but it will happen when it's right. Glad you posted and shared Mateya..she's a sweetheart!